This morning I read a New York Times article, Classic Advice: Please Leave Well Enough Alone, on two new-ish etiquette books: How To Win Friends and Influence People In The Digital Age and Emily Post’s Etiquette 18th Edition. One was scathingly reviewed and the other was treated a little more lightly. It seems that I will not be adding either of them to my collection of etiquette books, but it got me thinking about some really good texts on the subject of good behavior.
My interest in Proper Manners and all things ettiquette began with my mother’s yet-to-be published work The Restaurant Rules. Because she was a single mother on a budget it was vastly important that we both be good dining companions should her dad or someone take us out to dinner. Thus, before even entering a restaurant she and I went through the rules, which included:
- Stay in your seat for lord’s sake. No running about the restaurant or skulking under the table.
- You don’t have to like it, but you do have to try it.
- Do NOT I repeat do NOT make a fuss or whine or raise your voice or generally carry on.
These things may seem obvious. But we all know that some children have not been lectured sternly on the restaurant rules. And they should.
And so, my fascination began. My all-time favorite book in this genre is Tiffany’s Table Manners For Teenagers. Brilliant voice, stylishly illustrated. I am also the proud owner of a Debrett’s book on manners (as in the same people that do the book on the peerage that all our romance heroines must memorize). My great-grandfather, J.I. Rodale, also composed a book on etiquette, though he is not well known for it.
I once had the great priveledge of arranging and attending a session on manners by Peter Post, grandson to Emily Post. It was followed by what I called ” The Evil Hostess Lunch” which I can say because I planned it. The lunch included foods that are quite nearly impossible to attack with delicacy and provoke many a question on table manners. The menu included a boullabaisse (shellfish! fish knives!), olives (pitts!), roast chicken on the bone (gah!). The whole point was to confront these issues and ask the expert on how to deal with them. At the heart, it seems table manners evolved for the purpose of protecting one’s attire–tip the soup bowl away from you for those last few spoonfulls so that you don’t spill or avoid reaching over the table lest you set your sleeve on fire.
This fascination of mine comes in handy when it comes to Regency Romances. To quote that New York Times article: “Whenever two people come together,” Emily Post once said, “and their behavior affects one another, you have etiquette.” The Regency, with all of its clearly defined and very strict rules must have been a landmine to navigate successfully but it makes for challenging and interesting plotting involving all those rules and two people coming together. Think it doesn’t really matter? Consider a drawing room door, left open just a few inches, that makes all the difference between a private conversation and a compromising position.
What rules of etiquette do you find to be sadly lacking in today’s world? Any “Regency Rules” you’d like to see brought back?
5 Responses to My favorite guides to Proper Behavior
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Once my college swim team was forced by our coach to attend an etiquette dinner. We were eating at a lot of restaurants on the road traveling to and from swim meets and some… questionable behavior was becoming the norm. The dinner was incredibly interesting. Some tips I still use today.
I am so intrigued by that questionable behavior…
Oh, I wish kids still learned the “You stay in your seat and quietly eat your meal when you’re at a restaurant” rule, Maya. I see so many kids at my parents’ restaurant who run around and are disruptive. I know I would never have been allowed to get away with that-my parents would have been mortified, and I would have been punished severely! Kids should be allowed to be kids, but there’s a time and place. I remember one kid who parked himself on the stairs playing a video game while his family finished their meal. We eventually had to say something.
I guess I was raised pretty formally compared to today. Our parents, as well as any other adult, were always addressed as “Sir” and “Ma’am.” No responding “Yeah” to a question, it was “Yes, Sir.” I wasn’t always a model of decorum, of course, but I knew if I transgressed that There. Would. Be. Consequences. Dire. Consequences. There seem to be no consequences at all today.
One of the things I hate most is how much young people (loudly) swear in public–movie theaters, malls, restaurants, grocery stores, etc. And sometimes within hearing of their own parents. I’m mortified when I’m out with my mother somewhere and some kid is saying “eff this, eff that.”
Not any specific Regency rules I’d like to have return, but just a basic level of respect and civility. I don’t care whether a man stands when I enter a room or opens a door for me, but don’t actually let the door slam in my face, especially if you see that my arms are full. I’d certainly hold the door for anyone in those circumstances; that’s just common courtesy.
OK, back to the Jurassic era to hang out with my dinosaur pals!
Our dear daughter has ADHD and Aspergers, both syndromes mean that she is incredibly intelligent yet has no common sense. If she doesn’t understand the importance to something she will not do it. That included manners.
Then she joined the Marine Corps Jr. ROTC in High School. Now it is “ma’am and sir; stand up straight and look me in the eye; eat it or disguise it so it looks gone,and open that door for absolutely everyone.” It is quite a change, especially in her posture.
We know that she will probably never choose (or be accepted) to one of the Armed Forces, but the Marines certainly made our teenager a pleasure to be around.